I'm going through a mid-mid-life crisis.

I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I'm on a path now, but is it the right one? There's no such thing as the perfect profession; otherwise, I'd major in procrastination with a minor in bs. But if I'm going to be spending the next thirty, forty years of my life devoted to a career, it should be worth the ache and pain and piles of debt, right?

It's so hard to think of myself as a third year now and (according to my mom's theory) a med school student two years from now. She consistently assures me that I could be whatever I wanted, but it doesn't really help much. It's a tough decision, and I would rather someone tell me what to do, show me which field of work would suit me best, but at the end of the day, it's my own decision. I don't know how helpful the career people at Bryant Hall will be, because I'm not looking for someone to coddle me and go, "You'll succeed in anything you choose to be!!" At the same time, I'm not looking for, "Suck it up, you baby." I really don't know how to pinpoint what makes a good career advisor, but I do know that 90% of the "advisors" I see inevitably disappoint me.

I had a huge row with my parents a couple of days ago. I wanted to change my major, be something that would be more exciting and capture my undivided attention. Being a chemistry major is dismal, not because the subject is boring, but because I'm not making the most out of it. It disheartens me that even after two years into my chemistry degree, I can barely remember how to do MaVa = MbVb. There were two reasons for pursuing a B.A. in chemistry: 1. I had taken the AP class in senior year of high school, so the information was fresh, and 2. it would be helpful to my then-chosen career as a pharmacist.

Obviously, things have changed. Plans have changed. My knowledge of AP chemistry is no longer new, and I'm giving serious thought about becoming a pathologist. Biology would be a great alternative, but then I would be the same as 60% of the pre-med people here. I wouldn't stand out from the rest of the applications.

I thought about how my parents were wasting four years' worth of money for a pretty, little degree that won't mean much once I got out of undergrad, and it pretty much cut my self-confidence in half. If I'm going to be spending $36,000 at UVA, I'd damn well better learn something, but it seems like the more I delve into the hard sciences, the less cultured I become. I just feel more inclined towards the humanities and what they have to offer.

Whatever it is, I know I have to do it now. Once the future of med school becomes the present, I'm done. The next twelve years will be gone, devoted to studying, and then the next ten years after that will consist of working and paying off bills and taking care of my children in the suburbs. Which is fine and all, but I'm not ready to settle down yet, and I have the feeling that if I never live these crazy-exhilarating-mind-numbing experiences now, then I might never get to.